Still Emotionally Yours
by Darkshines1984
Summary: One shot trying to get in Bernie's head during the hallway scene in 'Emotionally Yours'.


It had been a couple of weeks since Bernie had allowed herself to linger at the hospital. Ever since the evening when she toasted her working relationship with Serena and vowed to put their kiss behind them she had done everything she could to avoid the brunette. She had made sure they were on different shifts, only overlapping at times for a matter of a few hours here and there. When they were both in work together she would avoid the office like the plague and instead busy herself out on the floor; taking on patient after patient. In truth she was exhausting herself trying to keep away from the other woman.

It hadn't been her intention to act in such a way. When she had talked about forgetting the kiss had ever happened she had planned to just go back to being friends like they were before. The problem was that she didn't want that. She had said it for Serena's sake, knowing the brunette was excruciatingly uncomfortable about the fact they had lip locked in the OR. Serena had actually said the words 'wishing myself dead' about the topic. It seemed that damage limitation was the only option.

Those words had haunted her over the past couple of weeks. Every time she thought of Serena she heard them. Even when her thoughts had started pleasantly (albeit painfully) about the kiss they had shared it swept in and obliterated any hope she had left. What did it matter if Serena had kissed her back like she was the last breaths of oxygen in a vacuum if the other woman was ashamed of the idea of being attracted to her? Bernie knew that her actions had thrown the brunette into a spin. Serena had spent an inordinate amount of time watching her since then; the confusion on her face evident even two weeks later. It made Bernie's chest ache and her lungs burn knowing she had caused it.

All that emotion made it almost impossible to act like a normal measured member of society around Serena, never mind act like everything was normal. That was why she had taken a huge leap back and put as much space between them as possible. Distance had seemed like the only way to prevent herself saying or doing something stupid. For a while she had even convinced herself it was slowly working. That in giving herself space she was very gradually coming to terms with her feelings for Serena. Today had blown that entirely out of the water.

It had been the first time since the awkward conversation in the office that they had ended up having to work exactly the same shift. Bernie had known it was coming for days and had been nervous about it. So nervous that she had arrived in work nearly thirty minutes early to ensure she was changed in to her scrubs and out of the locker room before Serena had even arrived. Dashing through changing in and out of her scrubs before and after shifts had become normal behaviour for her now.

She had gone to check on Fletch before heading out on to the main floor…and walking straight in to Serena. It was exactly what she had feared. Minute one of the working day and she was already having an awkward conversation with the brunette about avoiding each other. All that distance may have allowed her to pretend she was coping but in an instant and a trademark Serena quip all that pretence evaporated. Whoever said distance made the heart grow fonder was correct. All that longing she had pushed down was trying to force its way back up to the surface. She had been relived when Ric's had showed up.

His presence the rest of the day had been less welcome in hindsight though. At the time it had seemed like a great distraction and allowed her and Serena to fall back into a normal rhythm. The problem was that there normal rhythm involved little personal space and flirting. Not the best cure when you are trying to get over someone. Ric's flirtation with the patient had made every conversation between them hold a possible double entendre. Serena had made a comment in the office about 'romances blossoming' that had sent her head and heart into a dangerous spin. Bernie had spent a huge amount of the day trying to figure out whether the words and the accompanying look was actually about them or whether it was just wishful thinking. It was a good job she'd had no major surgeries today or she'd have probably killed someone such was the level of her distraction.

All this interaction could have sent her steaming home at the end of the shift. The damage was done though, and there was nowhere to hide from her feelings again. So rather than racing she had changed at a leisurely pace and decided to go check on Fletch again before she left. In truth she was hoping to see Serena again even if it was just a few more moments.

So donned in her normal clothing she heads out of the locker room and back towards the wards. It's almost too perfect when she turns in to one corridor only to find Serena and Ric walking towards her. She smiles as they approach, readying herself to say goodnight. It's not her who speaks first though.

"I don't suppose you fancy coming for a drink do you?" Serena asks as they pass.

Bernie came to a crashing halt, not really expecting the request, nor the hope in the brunette's voice. There was no way she could spend time outside of work with Serena without saying or doing something stupid especially not when alcohol was involved. The conversation would be dominated by Ric's love life and Bernie couldn't face anymore talk of relationships today. Still she felt guilty saying no to the brunette when she was looking at her so eagerly.

"I could murder one just not tonight" she replied carefully, "Soon though."

It wasn't much but it was at least a small promise that she would somehow guide things back to normal. If distance didn't work then she knew the only option was to try and immerse herself in their friendship again. She just wasn't ready tonight.

"Definitely" Serena said through a slight smile. "Oh it is a special occasion though, Ric's buying, rarer than hens teeth."

Bernie recognised it as one last weak attempt to convince her to come with them. The fact that Serena was keen to spend more time with her was hard to bare. It kept her rooting to the spot, wavering over her decision to turn down the offer. The sound and space around her seemed to blare out as she watched the brunette stood in front of her. Serena was the only thing that seemed in focus. How much of today had been about them and not Ric? She'd seen that same hopeful look in Serena's eyes in the office. Could the brunette be coming to terms with whatever she was feeling?

Whatever conversation had occurred between Raf and Ric had ended and they began to walk away. It dragged Bernie back in to the present and before really thinking it through she spoke up again; desperate just to keep Serena there just a few seconds longer.

"Have one for the rest of us."

Bernie has no idea why she chose to say it. A simple 'have a good night' would have sufficed. Yet it's better than what could have come out of her mouth at this present moment. It could have been 'you look great' or 'I miss you' or 'how about Ric goes for a drink and you come back to mine'.

"Oh we will" the brunette smiles, "Though I've never seen the point in just one."

The response is so typically Serena that it makes Bernie ache all the more. The brunette is still the only thing she can focus on and their eyes lock. Serena briefly holds her gaze before nervously glancing away. It was the first glimpse of uncertainty that Bernie had seen since their first interaction in the morning.

As the brunette walks away Bernie is left lingering and watching her. She is certain now that Serena does have real feelings for her. She had doubted it since the kiss. There was still that bit of uncertainty there in the brunette's eyes though. It was only a glimmer. There was much less confusion than before. It left Bernie feeling more hopeful than ever. She tried to shake of the daze that it had left her in. It was definitely time to go home and crack open a bottle of wine.


End file.
